Frozen In Fear

Frozen in Fear 

July 28, 2026

I am overwhelmed with tears! Are they tears of joy? Tears of success? Tears of overcoming one of my deepest fears? Probably all 3 of these and more. I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, all I can do is cry.

In 1989, when I was in college, my mother died. I took it pretty hard. I was very trauma bonded to her. It took me many, many years to cope with it and overcome it. I ran as hard as I could from these feelings and emotions. I drank as much alcohol as I could and smoked as much weed as I could. I had as much sex as I could, just to dull this pain even a little bit. 

I always loved school and learning. I never had any problems taking a test. My grades were good. I was a good student.

A couple of months after she died while I was at school taking a final exam for one of my classes something really freaky happened to me. The instructor went around the room and put the test face down on each of the students desks. It was a timed test. Then all at once we were allowed to turn over the test and begin taking it. So we all turned over our tests. When I turned my test over the pages were blank!!! All of them! I looked around the room and saw other students taking the test. I knew something was wrong… I felt kind of funny. I felt really numb and everything was moving in slow motion. I sat there for a while. I kept looking down at my test, still only seeing a blank piece of paper. I didn’t know what to do. So I got up and left. I left my final exam, I left my class, I left the campus. That was the day I quit college. I went home. I couldn’t cope anymore.

It was difficult for me to drive home. Luckily I didn’t live far from the campus. After I got home I felt even worse.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t know at that time that I was having a nervous breakdown. But I did. I had a nervous breakdown. That is what happened and it scared the shit out of me!!! This fear has stayed with me my whole life. And now I am afraid to take tests. 

I was flying at that time. I was trying to get my LTA pilot’s license. LTA is the category “Lighter than Air” which is flying hot air balloons. I was so scared to take the written test that I procrastinated for a long time. Then when I finally did I was too scared to take the commercial written test. So I only got my private pilot’s license. I just barely passed the written test. I needed a score of 70 to pass. I got a score of 72. It was easy for me to take and pass my flight test. It was the written test that freaked me out. I never got my commercial LTA pilot’s license, because I was too scared to take the written test.

I was so full of test taking fear I just avoided it throughout my life. I missed so many wonderful opportunities because of my fear. I just stayed stuck and frozen in failure mode.

Fast forward to today, 37 years later. I have healed from my mothers death. I stopped running from these painful emotions. I start healing instead. I have been clearing all of my stuck emotions with Energy Healing. It has helped me so much. I have been healing the trauma in my life. .But I still have this fear of taking written tests. 

I love sound healing. Especially singing bowls. So I wanted to get certified in this healing modality. I want to share this beautiful gift with others. But I did not pursue this for 6 years, because of being stuck in my fear. This week I made the decision to stop procrastinating and just do it. I guess I was remembering a book I read a long time ago. Feel the Fear and do it anyways! LOL! So I started the course I bought a couple of years ago. I am loving all that I am learning about sound healing. But I was pretty stressed out over having to remember everything I was learning. I have also had a few TIA’s over the years, so my memory is challenged. That just added to my fear and stress. 

My plan was to do this Level 1 sound healing course twice. I would just listen and read. Then I was going to do it a second time and write everything out and study. When I write it down I can remember it better. So I finished level 1 yesterday. I got stressed out over the thought of doing it again and writing everything down. So I said to myself Fuck It, just try… SO I DID!!!! I wanted to know how badly I would do, and OMG!!! I passed the test on my first try! And I got an 88!!! I was so shocked all I could do was cry! My emotions just exploded out of my body in a stream of tears. And the tears just kept coming. I kept on crying. I guess I am just not used to the emotions of success, of accomplishing something, of being proud of myself. I haven’t felt happy in a long time. I kept telling myself you did succeed!!! I am proud of myself. And it feels good, real good. I am acclimating to these new feelings. I am so happy that I passed this test! I have my level 1 sound healing certificate!!! So I immediately started my Level 2 training!!! Last night when I was practicing I felt so good. And I played my bowls and they sang. They sang with happiness and joy. This was my best practice session! I am happy and excited to learn more.

I am continuing my healing journey. Am I ready to face my deepest fears and tell my story? My hero’s journey? I sure hope so! But for now I am just going to keep making beautiful music! 

Love and Light,

Jai